


love is a game to you

by transzoemurphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Arguing, Canon Typical Triggers, Communication, Evan’s an idiot, Fighting, First Kiss, Gen, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Self Harm, Lesbian Zoe Murphy, M/M, Miscommunication, Suicide Attempt, Texting, heelys, he’s back babes, hm. how do i tag this., idiots talking about their feelings, in january after their fight, jared has a BIG GAY CRUSH on evan, mentions of parental abuse, not hate sex but like, not-hate making out, probably I cant remember, takes place at like 1am, uhhh star wars spoiler but its been 3yrs so i mean, yknow?? ya get what im gettin at??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 05:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16695994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: Jared's kind of a mess after their fight





	love is a game to you

**Author's Note:**

> title from hear me by imagine dragons. i know i used this song for a title before but like. get off my dick
> 
> also jared has a re a l l y long text in here and i didnt have the executive function skills to read it so i broke it up into smaller paragraphs but jst know that it was all one text kthxbye

Sometimes, Jared Kleinman really wished he could just go to sleep and not wake up.

It had been a month since he had last spoken to Evan. An event that ended with him storming out of the hallway, angry, and sad, and alone. As per usual. Angry, sad, and alone were his three primary emotions, right after gay and gay2.

He knew that if he ever wanted closure, he would need to reconcile with Evan.

The mere thought sent fear spiraling down his throat and around his spine, clamping his limbs right where they were.

…He would never do it, at this rate. He needed someone to support him, and while his relationship with his mom was getting a little bit better (a tiny bit), she didn’t know about any of this. He needed someone he could trust, someone like -

Zoe. Someone like Zoe.

 

 **j.klein:** heyo zo zo

 **lesbianonmain01:** hi never say 'heyo zo zo' again also it’s like 12:30am what do u want

 **j.klein:** heyo zo zo im gon do smth stupid. need ur validation uwu

 **lesbianonmain01:** are u gonna ask out that boy from ur calc class bc i think it’s a bit too soon for that b ilu but,,,

 **j.klein:** no no aaron’s an idiot i changed my mind

 **j.klein:** im gonna try to. talk 2 evan.

 **lesbianonmain01:** didnt he block u??

 **j.klein:** well on twitter, facebook, ig, and sc, yes. but u know where he Hasnt blocked me? tumblr

 **lesbianonmain01:** hhhhhh j are u sure abt this?

 **j.klein:** oh Absolutely Not. i am Terrified. this is a horrible idea please talk me out of it

 **lesbianonmain01:** gonna be full honest w u here bro u gotta. youve been so miserable w/o him. i’ve like, watched u deteriorate?? ik sarcasm is ur defense mechanism or w/e but yall were rlly Lashing Out. and after the fight??? deadass still kinda worried i’ll come 2 school n there’s a suicide note taped to my locker or smth. u need to talk to him.

 **lesbianonmain01:** he’s like, idk like a constant in ur life or smth?? like, he’s all u’ve rlly known. yallve been friends since age 8 nd u’ve been in love w him since 12. it’s been a decade of knowing him and . u gotta talk to him man.

 **lesbianonmain01:** i can see how much it hurts u.

 **j.klein:** i said talk me OUT of it

 **lesbianonmain01:** no.

 **j.klein:** ………thanks xo

 **lesbianonmain01:** love u <3 no homo of course

 **j.klein:** no homo at all. ly2. see u after i make a Bad Choice probably uwu

 

He sighed. Zoe had eased his anxiety quite a bit but he was still shaking from head to toe.

He pulled up Evan’s tumblr and hit the message icon before he could change his mind. Their last conversation flickered up at him.

 

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** actually mushrooms reproduce sexually jshsdhshd their sperm like, floats through the water & fertilizes eggs or smth

 **high-jk-lmaop:** hm. just say mushrooms are hydrosexual and leave

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** SJDJHDDHB SHUT UP

 

His cursor hovered over the message box, blinking at him.

It took him twenty minutes just to text:

 

 **high-jk-lmaop:** hey just like. 4 the record. im sorry abt my part in All This

 

He immediately threw his phone down and ran away into the bathroom to focus on deep breathing before returning to an alert.

 

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** So you're really gonna just assume that'll make it all better huh

 

_Jared, if this was happening to someone else, what would you say?_

 

 **high-jk-lmaop:** well i was hopibg for an apology but yk a capitalised insult works too

 

Decidedly _not_ what he should have done!

 

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** Lmao for what??!? for putting up with you for the past decade even though u OBVIOUSLY didnt give a shit?? yeah, im sorry i didnt know better :/

 

And that hit _way too hard_. He could have been so much better but god, all he could hear was his father's voice saying he wasn't worth the effort, that he obviously didn't deserve antidepressants if he was being so selfish and sarcastic all the time.

 

 **high-jk-lmaop:** if u could just shut up for a moment nd let me talk thstd be wonderful but ok

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** no lmao I wont hang on one god damn second

 **high-jk-lmaop:** i havent said a single sentence uninterrupted in over a week but ok guess I'll wait since everything about you has always been more important to me than anything about myself.

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** no no no you dont get to be passive aggressive and guilt trippy right now lmao u made it CLEAR that u didnt care and now U want an apology from ME because ??? because WHY?! its been a decade and only a year od that has been spent being such an assholr. but i dont get why? did you wake up one mornig and just go 'wow! i wanna hurt someone today' and spin a wheel like "wow better b evan and also everyone rlse arounf me" or

 **high-jk-lmaop:** do you really wanna go down that road? do you really want me to explain. is that really what you want. Because I will.

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** go ahead! Tell me! I’ve got all fuckin day.

 **high-jk-lmaop:** okay guess I will lmao right. first of all i am NOT being passive aggressive OR guilt tripping you. i deadass have not said an uninterrupted sentence in over a week. i cannot remember the last compliment someone gave me. and i want an apology because u were a fucking dick?! i tried!!!!!! i really fucking tried, i broke so many laws to fake your stupid emails because u didnt wanna tell the murphys that you lied out of panic BECAUSE WHY. because you just felt like finding something better than heidi and i?!

and as to why im such "an assholr," in your own words.

you remember that time in like, 8th grade i wanted to kill myself? you sat up on your roof with me and i showed you the stars. i taught you guitar and you let me. remember when i was 12 and slept over at your place and i had that dream and id known i was gay but dreaming about guys like that freaked me out and i scrubbed my skin so raw it bled??

or when we were going into our freshman year and you were panicking so i googled fun facts about the founding fathers to tell you. or that time we went to see star wars in theatre and i cried on your shoulder after han died? or what about the summer i passed out because i was wearing jeans and a hoodie in 103 degree weather and you kept me from dying?

and DO YOU REMEMBER that gym class last year when we did the wall sits and you got to ten minutes and didnt have to ever do it again?! because i remember. i watched you and i thought some things i maybe shouldnt have and i went home and i jerked off and i cried so hard i couldnt breathe and i scrubbed my skin off in the shower and thats when i realised that you Had to leave me because someone would get hurt and all I ever wanted was to feel loved but i decided right then that i wasn't deserving of love. because its what ive always been told?

and if im not deserving of love might as well act like it yknow!! because thats what im gonna be hearing from everyone anyway! and i cant let evan hansen know that im like in love with him or something!!! so i acted like a dick because you need to stay away for your own good but maybe i should have stayed away for mine.

i tried to talk to you. i faked these emails so i coulf be around you. and you left me for a dead boy's family. i wanted to be around u, i invited u to my house, i offered to help w tcp, but YOU said u didn't need my help. until it was CONVENIENT FOR YOU to say you did!!!!! youre an asshole, evan.

 

He didn't know when he'd started sobbing but he had, and he sent the text because his eyes were too blurry to read it anymore, and he wrapped himself in a blanket and buried his face in his pillow, muffling the sounds of his sobbing out of habit, because generally when he cried he knew that if either of his parents came in right now they'd have a whole lot of reasons to be pissed at him, so drawing their attention really wasn't the way to go.

It took ten minutes for his phone to ding.

 

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** So your method of showing love is insulting me?

 **high-jk-lmaop:** yeah im glad thag made sense jkjjkkjdkf

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** Oh i was being sarcastic

 **high-jk-lmaop** : oh

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** I dont believe u btw. Youre not in love w me

 **high-jk-lmaop** : i think i can figure out how i feel by myself thanks

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** i really dont believe u??? youre making excuses as to why u made fun of me so you can make fun of me more later.

 **high-jk-lmaop** : lmao WHAT even. hang on a sec i have some Proof

 **high-jk-lmaop** : [journal10thgrade.jpg] [dontevershowevanthis.jpg] [suicidenotedraft18.jpg]

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** how do i know that’s not fake?

 **high-jk-lmaop** : EVAN WHAT

 **high-jk-lmaop** : literally why would i fake that. do i look like i have the time for that?

 **high-jk-lmaop** : [textstozoe1.jpg] [textstozoe2.jpg]

 **high-jk-lmaop** : [ev.png] i drew this in 9th grade PLEASE dont judge

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** i have a lot of questions

 **high-jk-lmaop** : hit me w em lmao idec anymore

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** the first one is if we can facetime

 **high-jk-lmaop** : ???don’t u hate facetime

 **ispeakfor-thetrees:** we’re fucking facetiming, jared

 

True to his word, a second later Jared’s phone rang with a notification -

**_FaceTime from Evan Hansen._ **

**Accept?**

**Decline?**

He sighed and wiped his eyes and took a deep breath before slamming the ‘accept’ button, adjusting his headphones.

“Hey, what the fuck,” Evan greeted.

“Hi to you too. Glad to see your shining face again,” Jared said dryly, already choking back tears.

“Are you trying to guilt-trip me?”

“Evan, _what_?”

Evan huffed. “You’re obviously trying to guilt trip me, but like, how much? Are you really willing to fake a suicide note to-?”

“Evan. What the hell are you talking about?” His voice was much shakier than he’d wanted it to be.

“Your screenshot? It was titled something ab-”

“SHIT.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “And _why_ am I supposed to believe you did that by mistake? We’ve spent the past few months _proving_ how well we can lie.”

Jared rolled his eyes right back, although Evan did have a point. “Can we just move onto the next question, because this conversation is going nowhere.”

“Yeah, why’d you invite me to drink the other weekend?”

Jared bit back an actual scream. “Because I want to spend _time_ with you, you absolute goddamn idiot walnut!”

“Oh, ha-ha, Evan _yeeted_ out of a tree so let’s call him different types of nuts! Peak comedy there, Jared.”

“No, I didn’t mean-” Jared was _this close_ to breaking down.

“God, I throw myself off the top of a tree _one time_ and suddenly that’s the funniest shit you’ve ever heard, right? You’re a fucking asshole, Jared. I don’t even know why I-” Evan huffed, and Jared was confused as to why he wasn’t crying. Normally Evan would have started crying a while before this point in an argument, but Jared was the one with tears blurring his vision.

He wasn’t shocked to learn Evan had tried to kill himself. It was kind of implied by “Connor’s” - Evan’s - letter. Rather, he was shocked that Evan had owned up to it - that he’d told the truth.

“And _I_ jump off a bridge and suddenly me being in a wheelchair is just another reason for kids at school to make fun of me, so what’s your fucking point?”

Evan was silent for several seconds. “Are you making fun of me?”

“I’m _not_ _making fun of you_ , _Evan._ You fucking dick _,_ ” Jared huffed.

“You’re saying that you’ve actually - you’re not guilt tripping me? You’ve actually tried to…?”

Holy shit, this kid was dense. “ _Yes_ , Evan, that was quite implied by the part where I admitted to shifting my body weight in a way that would cause a fatal fall off of a large structure overlooking a body of water.”

“So you weren’t mocking me with the. The, uh. You know. Not that either?”

Jared blinked. “No? I don’t know? You’ve been accusing me of mocking you for the past twenty minutes, so.” To his horror, he felt his eyes overflow and the tears stream down his cheeks, but maybe he’d already been crying. Either way, he rubbed his eye with the palm of his hand to get the dampness off his cheeks. “Whenever you, uh, want to explain,” he continued, but his voice cracked and _he wasn’t going to make it through this whole conversation without sobbing, was he_?

Text from _evan <3 <3 <3_ at _12:41am_. [screenshot1-18-18at12-48.jpg] check ur arm

 _Oh_.

“Yeah, uh. It’s, uh. Nothing, it’s, it’s just-”

“Shut up,” said Evan, but he didn’t sound as mean this time. “I wasn't gonna yell at you for manipulating me with that. I mean, I _was_ , but then you admitted to the, the suicide thing, so.”

Jared blinked for several seconds. “You really thought I faked self harming to get your attention?”

“…That is _not_ what I said.”

Jared tossed his phone down and rested his head against the bedframe before picking it up again. “I mean, it kind of is. What you said.”

“When you say it like that it sounds a lot worse.”

“So does accusing everyone of lying to you when _you’ve_ been lying for months on end. When was the last time you took your medicine?”

“That’s none of your business,” Evan grumbled.

“Evan.”

“Don’t take that tone with me,” Evan argued.

“Evan, can you please just work with me?”

“I thought you were too busy with your ‘real friends’ to even-”

“My ‘real friends’ don’t even care,” Jared practically shouted, and he’d never been more glad that his parents were out of town. “I haven’t spoken to Alex or Rebecca since September! The only person I regularly text besides the Connor Project people is Brianna!”

“…I haven’t been taking it. Since I gave the speech.”

Jared sighed. Irritated. Terrified. “You can’t just stop taking it. You’re on those for a reason, Evan.”

“You’re not my mom, Jared.”

“No, but I’m - I _was_ \- your friend. So take your goddamn medicine.”

“Can’t. I’m on the phone.”

“I’m so certain I can survive two minutes without your sunshine-y personality.”

“Whatever,” Evan huffed. “See you in two minutes.”

He hung up.

Jared took the opportunity to burst into sobs, the sound so foreign to him. It wasn’t that he didn’t cry - he just had learned to cry silently at age 6.

He went back into the bathroom and threw water in his face, trying desperately to calm himself down. His heart was beating in his throat and he was straining to hear his phone in case Evan called him back. This was immediately greeted with the fear that Evan wouldn’t.

But he did, and greeted Jared with a deadpan “You look wet.”

“It’s what happens when you wash your face. Can we _please_ talk through this now? It’s a Thursday. It’s one in the morning. We have school tomorrow.”

“Not if we don’t go to school,” Evan said.

“Like, no offense, dude, but I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight, so skipping is like, not an option.”

“Not exactly what I meant. I was thinking we go over to the park and talk this out in person.”

“…At one in the morning?” He paused. It _was_ very nice out. “Yeah, sure, what the hell. Uh, you - you can keep my sweater, by the way.”

“What?”

“You still have my sweater. The grey one. I have a similar one, so. It doesn’t matter.”

“I won’t be cold.”

“Okay…” Jared was already going through his mental list of hoodies, deciding which would be best for Evan.

“I can meet you by the swings in fifteen minutes?” Evan offered. An olive branch.

“Sounds good,” Jared said. He was getting whiplash from the sudden turns in conversation.

“See you there,” said Evan.

He hung up again.

Jared sat and blinked for a few seconds before bolting up, pulling on a blue zip-up sweater over his school shirt and shoving his phone in the back pocket of his blue jeans. He left his headphones dangling around his neck and grabbed a couple tissues to stash in his pocket, just in case. He tugged his Heelys on and rolled down the stairs, grabbing a can of Monster out of the fridge and chugging some before clipping his key onto a necklace beneath his shirt and hurrying outside, the cold January air making him shiver.

Jared was the first to the swingset and claimed the one by the end, pulling his headphones on to play The Kids Aren’t Alright by Fall Out Boy for a few minutes before Evan came.

He stared down at his feet. How the hell did he even get in this situation?

He heard footsteps and yanked his headphones down, turning. “Hi.”

“Yeah. Hi,” Evan said, taking a seat on the next swing, kicking at the woodchips.

“So.”

 _Maybe this was a bad idea_.

“Another question, and you can’t hang up on me in real life,” Evan said. _Ulterior motives!_ Thanks _, Evan._ “How long did you, uh, how long have you. Liked me. Y’know.”

“I plead the fifth,” Jared blurted, having heard the phrase but with no idea what it meant.

“I’m not gonna like, kill you or anything,” Evan said. “It’s not that bad, I’m just curious?”

“Keep being curious,” Jared huffed.

“Okay, I’ll come back to that later,” Evan said. “Uh. If you didn’t not like me, why’d you act like I was so horrible?”

“Is this an interrogation?” Jared grumbled. “I - first of all, the first nine years were fine, agree?”

Evan nodded reluctantly.

“And I told you why.”

“But I don’t _get it_.”

“Why’d you never make an effort to talk to Zoe Murphy?”

“Because I was terrified - oh.”

“ _Yeah_. Next?”

“Why are you so sarcastic all the time?”

“This really _is_ an interrogation. I’m sorry, officer, I didn’t do it. Oh _no_ , not _handcuffs_ ,” he said dryly. “Anything but that.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Good. Can I ask a question now?”

“I don’t know, can you?”

Jared tried not to laugh. “That was… actually pretty good. Uh. Why did you just shove me away like nothing the second you got in Zoe Murphy’s pants?”

“I didn’t exactly think you’d mind.”

Jared swallowed. “Yeah, well. I did! So.”

“We really need to communicate more efficiently,” Evan said.

"Yeah, no shit," Jared agreed.

"Do you still, um." Evan coughed in that way guys do when they're about to propose an awkward emotional conversation. "Do you still have a crush on me?"

"Yeah, not that it _matters_ ," Jared admitted, his eyes locking on a particular woodchip as he kicked his swing up a little higher.

"I think it matters? Just a little bit."

Jared sighed. "Can I please just mourn?”

"Mourn what?"

"Love life, reputation, life just in general, my dignity... I could go on."

"We're working on direct communication now, right?" Evan asked.

"Yeah?"

"Well. Earlier you said we 'were' friends. I think we should work on changing ‘were’ to ‘are.’"

"I'm down," Jared said immediately, watching Evan as he dug his foot deeper into the ground.

"Also, uh, while we're communicating efficiently," Evan reached up to slow Jared's swing, pulling him down to the earth. "I kinda really want to kiss you. Have for a while."

Jared blinked. "...Are you making fun of me?"

"No," Evan said.

Jared dug his heel into the ground, stopping his swing. He blinked. “But - I just. Half an hour ago you accused me of faking suicide for your attention. And now you want,” Jared gestured between the two of them, unwilling to say it out loud. “This doesn’t make sense.”

“I mean, it’s okay if you don't - I mean, we apparently hate each other now, so. I’m not going to pressure you or anything?”

“Hang on, c’mere,” Jared said, standing.

Evan did, brow furrowed, and Jared punched him in the bicep with as much strength as he possibly could. “That’s for making me cry.”

“…I deserve that.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Jared responded. He hesitated for a second before grabbing Evan by the collar of his shirt and kissing Evan hard, his hands fisted in the fabric of Evan’s shirt. Evan tangled his fingers in Jared’s hair and kissed him harder.

Jared pulled back long enough to mumble, “That’s for being hot. And this isn’t a competition, y’know.”

“Is now,” Evan responded, kissing him again. Jared practically melted into him, biting back a rather embarrassing noise trapped at the back of his throat. But Evan ran his tongue along Jared’s bottom lip and he whimpered, just a little, and Evan kissed him even harder, pulling him closer.

They broke apart and Jared said, “You’re an asshole and I hate you.”

“It’s mutual,” Evan practically growled, kissing him again, biting at Jared’s bottom lip.

“Jesus,” Jared whispered.

“Actually, it’s Evan, but nice try.”

“I hate you,” Jared responded.

“No, you don’t,” Evan said. He paused, running his hand through his hair. Jared mimicked the action, trying to look a little more presentable. “Uh, we have a lot to work through, obviously, but if you want to go back to my house, my mom’s not home and we have cookie dough.”

“Oh, I’m in,” Jared said. He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Uh, what _are_ we? Like, we were pretty mutually ‘not friends’ a couple of hours ago, so.”

“Well, most not-friends, and most _friends_ for that matter, don’t make out at parks in the middle of the night, so, that’s something to consider.”

“Boyfriends, then?” Jared suggested lightly, his heart in his throat.

“Sure. Boyfriends who only hate each other a little bit.”

“Sounds good,” Jared responded. “Now, I want some fucking cookies, so let’s go.”

 

 **j.klein:** things evan and i made 1) out in a park 2) cookies 3) a new rule that we’re communicating directly from now on

 **lesbianonmain01:** congrats but JARED IT’S THREE IN THE MORNING LET ME SLEEP

**Author's Note:**

> uh find me on tumblr @dont-the-tears-just-pour !! also this tag is so EMPTY u HEATHENS get ON it i cant do it ALL myself!!! im only one guy yall!!!


End file.
